Short Funny Quotes

Many short funny quotes and links to many more short funny quotes.

"Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!" - Groucho Marx.

"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love ." Woody Allen.

• Woody Allen (1935 - ) is an American film director, actor, comedian and writer. His comic material is urban, Jewish, and middle-class. He started in show business by writing for TV comedians like Sid Caesar, where he showed a mastery of short funny quotes that equalled the verbal dexterity of Groucho Marx. Tired of writing for others, Woody became a stand-up himself. He soon gained fame with his stage persona of the short, neurotic intellectual that increasingly sophisticated audiences found compelling. He littered his bitter-sweet commentaries on life with memorable quotes. Fame continued as he produced, directed, and sometimes starred in, a string of bittersweet serio-comic films, including Manhattan and The Purple Rose of Cairo.

"How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them." - Groucho Marx.

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off." - Tommy Cooper.

• "I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member." - Groucho Marx.

"I can resist everything except temptation." - Oscar Wilde.

"I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup." - Eddie Izzard.

"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic." - Spike Milligan.

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." - Groucho Marx.

"Our next presenter is the first woman to ever breast-feed an Apple - Gwyneth Paltrow." - Chris Rock.

"I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel, and incompetent comes naturally to me." - John Cleese.

"I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel, and incompetent comes naturally to me." - John Cleese.

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with." - Marty Feldman. 

"I used to desire many, many things, but now I have just one desire, and that's to get rid of all my other desires." - John Cleese. 

 "I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own." - Les Dawson. 

"The English contribution to world cuisine - the chip." - John Cleese. 

 "I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less." - Eddie Izzard.

Chris Rock We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed. Short Funny Quotes - About

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle." Short funny quotes by, Bob Hope, from short funny quotes - Blog